Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Mice in the Lair



Yes, there are MIce in my LAIR! As you sit back, sipping on your Bustelo con Leche and read this blog, I am sitting at the Wepa WebTerminal with my feet perched on the file cabinet. Laugh. Go on. I beseech you to laugh at La Wepa. La Wepa with all her weapons, bad ass boots, Acrylonian nails, has a... has a... a... PHOBIA. There. I said it. I have a PHOBIA. Well, what'd you expect? Let me rephrase that. Not so much a phobia as it is an intense respect for the aforementioned quadriped coupled with an equally intense territoriality. Translation: killing the little f*ckers is inhumane and oh so wrong kharmically and yet, THIS IS MY F*ckin LAIR, YO!!!! If I were in the woods and the tables were turned, I would know that I was not in my house. I am a vegetarian too. I understand. I respect boundaries. However, Mice and their kindred did NOT build the Pyramids of Egypt, nor did they build this building (although, by the shoddy construction you may think otherwise) and, guess what. This is MY HOUSE! That means NO, you CANNOT chill in my shoes, NO you CANNOT cavort in my laundry basket, in my linens or behind my paperclips. NO YOU CANNOT PRANCE ON MY STOVE!!! NO means NO! Cotton Balls ARE NOT YOUR PILLOWS! GET OUT OF MY LAIR!

I can hear them with my superior auditory senses. They stomp above my head in the rafters like drunken buffalo. Clomp between the walls like Satan's Clydesdales! I lay in wait... eyes transfixed on the moldings that barely reach the buckled floorboards of my room, listening to every possible rustle... I can plot precise coordinates to the point of each sound's origin, and, lo... I am bound to my duty to not harm the innocent. I can slap the NightTrain out of a Wine-o but I CAN'T HURT A MOUSE! I CRIED AT "KING KONG"! I was APPALLED during BAMBI. I've raided more than my share of Viveros and lead the march against the critically acclaimed film BARAKA for its cruel use of film footage against chickens. But I digress...

There are mice in my Lair, and my Man is allergic to CATS...

WEPPPAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!